Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tears...of joy?

I'm writing this after midnight on Wednesday, so I'm actually referring to Tuesday when I say "today..."

So, this week is very busy for me. I'm someplace different every hour of every day...traveling back and forth from home to Clarksburg and then home to Fairmont... Starting a new Kindermusik class at pre-schools... Subbing all over Garrett County... I'm tired.

So maybe that's why I got so emotional this morning. I took Ingrid to pre-school this morning for the first time. I don't know why I got so emotional. The place is great. The kids from our church go there, and our friends LOVE the teacher -- and so do we! She's wonderful. The school is based on the Montessori learning environment, and she has fish and bunnies and gardens that the kids all help with...each child learns to help make meals, clean up after themselves, take naps in the same room, brush their teeth after meals, read together, and all kinds of stuff. It's a great place. There are only 8 kids at a time, too, so each kid gets his/her attention he/she needs. And I'm doing Kindermusik for free (the families pay for the materials, but I don't charge tuition) in exchange for Ingrid staying there once a week. It's a great deal!

Last night and this morning, though, I was all in knots about her going there all day... Remember, this is the child who went to work with me or stayed with family when I couldn't take her. I just didn't want her to feel confused... or like she didn't have someone to ask questions to... or get scared when it was time for a nap... or feel lonely among loud, rambunctious kids... or get hungry because she was too nervous to eat at lunch time... I don't know. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her. But I didn't. She was a little clingy when we first got there because the boys were loud and jumpy, but mostly just wanted to stay. There were no tears on her end.

I, on the other hand, was a mess all the way back home. I could just see her crying in a corner or her lip starting to tremble as she lay down on her nap mat wanting "rock-a-bye" before she could sleep... I tell you, I was a mess.

When Andrew picked her up this evening (she was there from about 9-5), she had had a great day. Her potty training didn't go so well, but she had a pull-up on so it wasn't a huge deal. We'll just have to try to talk about it some more and maybe have her go while I'm still there next week. And I guess my fears about nap time were completely unfounded! She slept for 3 hours! She came back with tales about a REAL pink dragon that lived in the basement that has babies in its tummy... (not sure about that one. I know the teacher has animals...but a dragon?) and bunnies that she played with. She's also being encouraged to do things independently by Carolyne (the teacher). Tonight, she didn't want my help getting out of the car -- and she wanted to carry her bag with all of her preschool stuff in it and yelled at me when I picked it up! I think we've crossed into the "I can do it myself" phase. It's cute, but it's also a little scary...

So, I've made it through another milestone as a mommy.

Oh, and I think one other reason I'm so emotional is that I'm having to start to wean Rowan from breastfeeding... My inconsistent daily routine makes it incredibly hard to pump when I am away and my milk production has decreased to very little. I'm going to keep feeding him in the morning and evening and through the night as long as I can, but I'm not going to pump during the day anymore. I'm sure all of this has my hormones out of balance... And I'm also just a little sad about it...

Speaking of Rowan, he's been saying a word that sounds like "Ingrid" every once in a while. He won't say it on demand, but it reminds me of when we thought Ingrid was saying "Bella" when she was his age (younger, actually) and turned out that she was saying it. I think Rowan is talking! He also imitated his Papa saying "Oh, Boy!" tonight. He's been saying "mama" when we play together for a while and he can say "papa" too, but doesn't use it in context yet. It's so fun to watch them figure things out! Such a sweet little boy...

So, onward and upward... And to bed! Talk soon...


The Werdebaugh Family said...

Hi Lizzie,
I feel your pain. It is something that I think every Mom feels when she has to go to work and send her kids to child care. Say your thanks to the Lord that you have been able to keep Ingrid with you until now. AND that she is going to such a great place with only 8 kids and a teacher that you have faith in. Domonick was only 3 months old when he had to enter the day care scene. The first two centers I sent him to were horrible. I had that feeling in my gut something wasn't right, and I went in on my lunch break to find him still sitting in his car seat with a diaper that weighed 2 lbs!! I felt so guilty, I cried for days. But I was a single parent and I had to work. Plus, I was going to school. Times were hard.
My only advice is to just do the best you can each day and be thankful for the time you have together! She will benefit in so many ways from daycare - and the fears are mostly in our minds . . . I wish that I could say that goes away, but Domonick is 11 now and I still want to scoop him up and protect him from the big bad world!! LOL
Hang in there, and give yourself some credit where credit is due: you are a GREAT mother and role model for your children. They are BEAUTIFUL little people being led by GREAT parents!! They will be AWESOME grown ups someday thanks to you and Andy. Parenthood is definitely the hardest job ever-but also the most rewarding.
Praying for you,

The Speakman Family said...

Sis the biggest thing is that you made it through! Ingrid is the type of girl who needs her independence, so this is important for her, but you know all of that. Just keep going - you'll both be okay. love you