Wednesday, October 17, 2007

My Little Jerry Lewis...

Aunt B calls Rowan names...namely Jerry Lewis...because of his funny faces. His eyes go crossed and his mouth goes sideways sometimes. You can't look at him long before you start giggling. :) He's such a sweet thing. He's started to smile more than just when he gets gas. You have to catch him looking at you, but he'll smile. That's the best when you finally get to really interact with your baby. I know not every parent gets this privilege (I think this would be the hardest thing about having a child with autism or other special need that inhibits interaction...God bless these parents...), and I am treasuring this time with my little guy.

It's not the same as with a first, though. I am having a hard time feeling like I'm doing as good a job with him as I did with Ingrid. He doesn't get the hours of one on one or the immediate response to his cries (which he only seems to do when he's hungry, needs a diaper, or from about 10-12 every night...).

Today was one of those days when, at the end of the day, I don't feel like I did a great job dividing my time between them and me. There hasn't been one day since the baby was born that I've said to myself, "This isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be!" It's definitely as hard as I thought. Thank God the breastfeeding has gone well and I've recovered so much better this time, but other than that, it's as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but rather I'm feeling surprised that my fears came true...Anyway, about today...

I'm starting Kindermusik classes soon, and I'm feeling anxious about that...and anxiety and a toddler and infant don't mix. Soon, the toddler starts spitting (a reaction to not enough attention or to being told no about something) and the baby starts crying and I end up with an ulcer and a migraine. I've been through enough to know that you have good days and bad days and that tomorrow is a new day, but it doesn't make the bad days any better, really, to know that. I just hope that I can sleep tonight.

What am I saying? I have a 5 1/2 week old! When do I ever sleep at night?! (or during the day, for that matter...with the first one, you can sleep when they sleep, but with the second one, when one sleeps, the other is awake and wants to eat or you have to use that time to do any kind of work you need to do that is impossible to do with a toddler who likes to knock down "towers" of clean clothes or get out everything you just put away...)
Come to think of it, maybe the lack of sleep has a lot to do with my bad day...along with my attempt to cut out caffeine...ugh...yeah, don't think I'll truly be cutting out caffeine any time soon...

Andrew has been volunteering in Dolly Sods (a West Virginia hiking/camping wilderness about an hour and a half away) trying to find a young 15 yr old boy with autism who disappeared on Sunday night while camping with his parents. The boy is essentially non-verbal, so they are asking for as many volunteers as possible to find him, so Andrew went yesterday and is going again tomorrow. It's been great that his work has told him that he doesn't need to use his comp time or vacation days and to cancel his appointments and volunteer to look for the boy. He's leaving in the morning by 5 am or so. Prayers for the family of the boy would be appreciated. His name is Jacob.
I can't imagine if that were Ingrid or Rowan. I think this is also weighing on my mind, making my day seem more melancholy...the impending rain doesn't help, either...

I have to say, though, that my children are amazing. Ingrid was so sweet tonight. I was sitting on the couch with Rowan talking to him asking him what he was seeing off to the left side of me where he kept looking. Ingrid came over and I asked her what she thought he was seeing. She said, "Angels."
It surprised me a little, so I asked her if she could see angels. She said yes. I asked her what color they were. She said they were orange--and purple sometimes. She said that she saw one over by the front door. It was a boy and he had yellow hair and when we asked her what he said she said that he was quiet. Pretty cool.
She also made me cry last night when we were saying our prayers. We were praying for the lost boy, and when I said that his mommy was sad because he was lost she said that God was with him. God would open the door and He'd hug him and he'd be happy.
Most of the time, I don't feel like I deserve this life, but I am so grateful for it that I can hardly bear it. It's a tough job, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I have to share some lyrics to a song by Sara Groves called "Prayers for This Child". It's on her "Station Wagon" CD. I think it's the best prayer I've come across that applies to a mother and her children.
"I only have two eyes, Be All-Seeing.
I only have two hands, Be everywhere.
I do not know enough, Be All-Knowing.
I give this baby up into Your care.
I do not know how, how to pray for this child..."

No comments: